The Statue of Liberty Facepalms: America’s Monuments React to Trump’s Nonsense

New York Harbor—For the first time in history, Lady Liberty has had enough. Witnesses report that at precisely 3:45 p.m. yesterday, the Statue of Liberty—normally a steadfast beacon of hope and democracy—slowly lifted her free hand to her forehead in an unmistakable, stone-cold facepalm. The move came moments after former President Donald Trump made yet another baffling statement about how he “totally won” something that, in reality, he very much did not.

“Honestly, we’re all exhausted,” confessed Mount Rushmore’s Abraham Lincoln, who’s been battling a migraine for the last eight years. “If I had a free hand, I’d be rubbing my temples. But nope, I just have to stand here, forever frozen in dignified frustration.”

Meanwhile, the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., has reportedly begun slouching ever so slightly. “Look, I’ve tried to stay upright and respectable,” Lincoln’s statue told reporters. “But after hearing him claim that George Washington would’ve voted for him—if not for ‘all the election fraud in 1799’—I just… I can’t anymore.”

Not to be outdone, the bald eagle atop the U.S. Capitol was seen dramatically shaking its head before attempting to fly away. Unfortunately, being made of bronze, it went nowhere. “I thought I’d seen it all,” the eagle said, “but then he claimed the Great Wall of China was inspired by his border policies. I’d cry if I had tear ducts.”

The Liberty Bell, usually known for its stoic silence, has reportedly developed a stress fracture. “Not another one,” historians groaned as they examined the latest crack, believed to have appeared right after Trump declared, ‘Nobody’s done more for bells than me. People are saying I should have my own bell, a Trump Bell, the best bell. Tremendous sound, unlike the failing Liberty Bell, which, quite frankly, is broken.’”

Even the Hollywood Sign, typically neutral in political matters, has threatened to spell out ‘HELP’ if this continues. “We can only take so much,” one of the ‘L’s confided. “We were fine with earthquakes and smog, but this? This is too much.”

Back in New York, Lady Liberty still hasn’t removed her hand from her face. “At this point, she might just keep it there,” one ferry passenger noted. “Which, honestly, is the most relatable thing she’s done in years.”

Tourists are now flocking to the statue, not just for the historical significance, but to see if she’ll eventually throw up her other hand in surrender. If she does, we may need a new symbol for democracy—because at this rate, even America’s monuments are ready to call it quits.

Thank goodness Kamala Harris is the President, and now the monuments rejoice.

Lady Liberty has finally lowered her hand, standing tall once more, her torch shining a little brighter. The Lincoln Memorial has straightened up, relieved that words like ‘truth’ and ‘justice’ are making a comeback. The bald eagle, still stuck in place, flapped its wings enthusiastically, proud to be a symbol of a country that might finally be making sense again. Even the Hollywood Sign abandoned its ‘HELP’ plans, deciding instead to spell out ‘HOPE.’

For the first time in years, the monuments can breathe easy—well, metaphorically speaking.